Kicking Cancer’s Ass: What I’ve Learned So Far
A week ago I found out the pathology from my lumpectomy.
Good News
My lymph nodes came back clear! No cancer outside the breast!
Mediocre News
The tumor that was removed had cancer cells all the way to the edge. What they want to see are ‘clear margins’ all around - which means all normal cells surrounding the cancerous cells. This means the entire tumor was removed. In my case, no clear margins mean some of the cancer is still in me. So on June 18 I will be having a second surgery - a re-excision - to try to get all of the remaining cancerous cells. This surgery is more straightforward than the last. But if my surgeon doesn’t get it all out this time, we go to a more extreme option - a mastectomy.
Setback???
After I talked to my surgeon, I felt the first doubts I have had about kicking cancer’s ass. This should be easy - a little 1/2 cm should be no problem to take out. Why wasn’t it? Why didn’t it work? Why was the imaging wrong - it was more than a 2.5 cm tumor! Now the surgery has to be done again, and I may STILL end up with the most extreme option anyway. WHY?
All normal. The outcomes of the surgery were normal. My reaction was normal. The doubts and fears are normal. This was the first time since learning of my breast cancer that I got anything resembling bad news. It felt like a setback…but was it?
Learning
In the last 3 months, I have learned a lot about cancer, and in the last week I have learned even more. These are the 3 biggest lessons I have learned…so far.
There is No Right or Wrong, Just Choices. I was chatting with a friend who conquered her own battle with breast cancer last year. I just want there to be a right answer. Lumpectomy or Mastectomy. One is supposed to be ‘right’, right? Nope, she said. It’s frustrating and I cannot be more sick of being given the ‘well, its up to you and what you want’ speech when I am presented with options. I deal with equations and data analysis. I want there to be a right answer. But there isn’t. While we know so much today about cancer, tomorrow we will know more, and 20 years from now we will know exponentially more. And with the best experts and wide range of specialists, it is still a bit of a guessing game. So we make the best move with the best available information, and it may not work perfectly. And then you keep trying. Which brings me to…
Fighting Cancer is a Journey. While there are different outcomes at each step of treatment, they are not necessarily setbacks. Cancer treatment is a journey, a meandering and winding journey. And Google Maps isn’t working. You follow what you think is the right path, and cancer will throw you a curveball. So you make a turn, follow the detour signs, and keep moving forward. My pathology results were part of the journey, now I am making a left turn instead of going straight. But it doesn’t change my prognosis or the fact that I will kick cancer’s ass. Its just that the journey decided to take the more scenic route.
Lean on your Support Network. I am constantly amazed at how my friends and family - from every part of my life - are reaching out and supporting me. The meals, GrubHub and other gift cards, flowers, edible arrangements, cards, phone calls, texts, books, and every other way people have reached out have been a constant source of strength for me. In all honesty, I suck at asking for and accepting help. And I made a very conscious decision to accept help as this started. This is not something I will get through alone or be able to tough it out myself. My husband and kids are super strong and amazing, and they need me to be able to accept help too so it doesn’t all fall on them. Not everyone wants to be public with their diagnosis, or tell many people. If you are extremely private, you do you. But think hard about who you can reach out to and depend on. It is so valuable. Not only did I not have to worry about meals and cooking for over a week, but every message was one more virtual hug and reminder that I got this and so many people believe that I got this.
Find an Outlet. When I got my pathology results, I spent the day wallowing a bit. Then I needed to refocus, and part of the way that I do that is baking. Baking gives me time that takes my mind off the worries and challenges, and allows me to focus on a methodical and very sensory creative process. Creative outlets give you that way of expressing yourself and your emotions, and put all of your attention on something other than what is bothering you. For me, this is baking. This past week I baked two pies and experimented with some special cupcakes. During those times, it was just me and the ingredients - creating something delicious from a variety of components that alone are very different than the final product. I love this process. And then I love eating them and get joy from tasting that final creation.
I’m sure there will be many more posts like this as I learn more along this journey. I hope that anyone else who is facing a similar journey finds something useful in this, and sharing my experiences helps you. Because we got this.
Yours in Cancer Ass-kicking,
